The Sunday Funnies

Adrian Beltre, the superb third baseman of the Texas Rangers, is a rare species -- despite the wicked grounders and liners that are the usual fare at the hot corner, he doesn't wear a protective cup. He finds it too uncomfortable.

In 2009, playing for Seattle, he paid a high price when a wayward grounder nailed him in the worst place. Beltre hit the disabled list for more than a month with what was described as "lacerated testicles," a diagnosis that makes every male I know cringe.

When he returned, teammate Ken Griffey Jr. made suitable arrangements with the guy who plays the walk-up music at Safeco Field. Beltre was serenaded on his first trip to the plate with The Nutcracker Suite.

Another IF target gone

Adrian Beltre (left) is reportedly a physical away from signing with the Boston Red Sox —a one-year deal for $9 million plus a player option for $5 million with $1 million buyout.

This, then, is a one-year, $10 million deal, since he's not going to accept that $5 million option short of a paralyzing accident. He'll take the $1 million buyout and try free agency again.

Even on a one-year basis, $10 million figured to be a bit rich for the Twins, who are already looking a a $90 million-plus payroll with the Joe Mauer negotiations at whatever phase they may be.

My earlier list of eight free agent infielders I imagined the Twins making take-it-or-leave-it offers to is now down to four: Miguel Tejada (who would be moved to third base), Orlando Cabrera (who would be moved to second), Felipe Lopez (second base) and Orlando Hudson (second base).

Meanwhile, the Red Sox figure to be motivated sellers of Mike Lowell, who has a $12 million contract for 2010 and just had thumb surgery. A Lowell to Texas deal (for prospect Max Ramirez) fell through because of the thumb issue; supposedly (a) the Red Sox are willing to pick up $9 million of Lowell's salary and (b) they're willing to wait until spring training, when Lowell is supposedly to be ready to show that the thumb is fine, to do a deal.

Also meanwhile, the Twins are said to have dangled Glen Perkins in a trade for Kevin Kouzmanoff of the Padres, with San Diego wanting something more than Perkins.

Kouzmanoff as a hitter is Joe Crede, only younger, sounder of back and with less defensive ability. He's arbitration-eligible, which is why the cash-strapped Padres are peddling him.

That there is mutual disgruntlement between Perkins and the Twins is no secret. I can't imagine the Twins wanting to have him in camp.

So ... Perkins for Lowell and $9 million? If the front office doubts it can get one of the free agents at its price, and if the alternative fall-back option is Crede, it's a deal they should offer Boston. Whether the Red Sox would take that offer might depend on whether they want a bird in the hand or the ones in the bush.

Infield musical chairs

The Twins struck early in their infield makeover with the J.J. Hardy trade. Now they seem content to sit back and see who's left without a job when free agency settles down.

It's a strategy that may result in a below-market signing — or that may result in a Joe Crede sequel. Or Orlando Cabrera.

The Twins never figured to be in on Marco Scutaro (above), who signed a two-year deal Friday with the Red Sox. He's a Type A with an arbitration offer, which essentially eliminates him in the Twins scheme of things — they're not giving up a first round draft pick for the privilege of paying a 34-year-old $6 million plus to play in their middle infield.

And in that light, it seems odd that the Red Sox made that decision. But they got stuck last year at short when Jed Lowrie got hurt and wound up playing Nick Green for much of the season. They picked up Alex Gonzalez from Cincinnati near the trading deadline, and he at least provided a competent glove, but the Blue Jays grabbed Gonzalez early in the free agent process.

So it amounts to a trade of Scutaro for Gonzalez and two draft picks. If Scutaro plays as he did last season, that's fair to both clubs; if he reverts to his usual form, the Jays have a real chance to win that exchange.

When teams are scrapping for the likes of Gonzalez and Scutaro to play short, it makes the Twins deal for Hardy look pretty good. Rumor has it that Boston pursued Hardy, but the Brewers didn't like the pitchers offered and demanded pitchers the Red Sox were't willing to trade.

Meanwhile, the Twins still have an infield opening. Placido Polanco's gone; Scutaro's gone; Chone Figgins — another guy the Twins weren't going to purse — is apparently all but signed with Seattle. That still leaves most of the infield possibilities mentioned here earlier in the week, with some of the big spenders having filled their holes.

I suspect the Twins' favored target would be Adrian Beltre, the cupless wonder, but there's talk that agent Scott Boras is angling for something like four years at $10 million-plus a year, and the Twins won't (and shouldn't) go there on either length or price. After Beltre's .265/.304/.379 season (complete with ruptured testicle), somebody (agent or player or both) probably needs a reality check.

The masculine editon

Where men are men ...

* Back on Aug. 12, third baseman Adrian Beltre of the Seattle Mariners paid for his career-long refusal to wear a protective cup. In the ninth inning of that game, he took a wicked one-hopper off his genetic legacy. He somehow played another five innings with a ruptured testicle.

He came off the disabled list Tuesday. He still has a tear in a testicle, and there's still swelling, but he played.

And wore a cup. Under protest.

How are his teammates treating all this? Ken Griffey Jr. arranged it so that when Beltre came to the plate for the first time, the PA system played the theme from the Nutcracker.

* The photo above is of Mets third baseman David Wright wearing one of the new Rawlings batting helmets during batting practice. The S100 is said to be vastly more protective than the current models, and its use will be mandatory in the minor leagues next season, but it's getting some resistance from major leaguers more concerned with style than safety.

Not Wright, however. He got nailed in the noggin on Aug. 15 by a Matt Cain fastball, and Cain throws hard.

The first helmets were resisted. The ear flaps were resisted. The rule instituted last season require base coaches to wear helmets was resisted. I suspect players will eventually accept the ... different ... look of the S100.

* From a newsroom colleague upon learning Tuesday night that the Twins starting pitcher was Jeff Manship:

Is that his real name? ... Can I have it?